The Mysterious Case of the Mary-Sue Murders
by Colorless Butterfly
Summary: Something strange is going on. Mary-Sues all over in the Fullmetal fandom are being slaughtered! Edward's annoyed, Roy is irritated, and Aki - well, Aki's just having fun bashing the Mary-Sue's heads in with her pile of flower pots. Wait, who's Aki? Complete crack, so don't expect anything of amazing literary value. Maybe. Who knows.
1. Chapter 1

**Tralalala~ I have decided to upload something else! xD This one's not going to be beta-read (actually, it will be, but I will ignore my beta reader this time because she is sick with the flu and delirious.), because it's more of a comedy than anything. Severe Mary-Sue bashing ensues.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Once upon a time, in a land far far away, Edward had his food stolen.<p>

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Okay, okay. I admit. That was a bit far-fetched. Let's add some more description.

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"Here you go, Mr."

Edward Elric took the plate of food gratefully, glad to be able to eat after traveling for so long. With a sigh, he sat down on a bench, finally allowing himself to relax.

He held his plate with two hands. Two perfectly normal hands. After all, he had gotten _that _piece of his body back when Alphonse had sacrificed his soul in order of Ed's arm to return. Now, well, he was back on the traveling road again. Except this time, it was peaceful. A soft, warm breeze rose, rustling the leaves as it blew over the city. The Fullmetal Alchemist sighed contentedly and closed his eyes, glad that Amestris could be so peaceful in the summer.

A hooded person walked by.

Edward paid him no mind.

The hooded person walked by again.

Edward continued to ignore him, pretending he was completely concentrated on eating his food.

The hooded person walked by Edward for the third time. This time he snatched the plate of food out of Edward's hands. Immediately after, the thief began to run away.

Yes. Just like that. Rather anticlimatic, but isn't that how most Mary-Sue fics start? Whoops, hahaha. Did I really just say Mary Sue? Nah, impossible. Hahahahaha...I meant OC. Original Character. A perfectly harmless Original Character.

Edward was shocked. "I am shocked!" He said, and immediately began running after the thief. Quick as a flash, he caught up to the thief, and snatched the food back. However, doing so made him lose his balance, and he crashed on top of the thief. The thief's hood flew back, revealing an extremely pretty girl.

"It's an extremely pretty girl!" Edward said to himself. Instantly, however, his eyes were caught in the girl's dazzling amethyst eyes that sparkled and glittered like the most precious of jewels. Long silver tresses highlighted with golden tints splayed down her back. Edward was amazed by her beauty, so he could only splutter and do something equally unintelligent.

A delicate rose colored blush appeared on the girl's cheeks. "G-gomen..." She whispered. Her voice was clear as a bell, beautiful like the birds at dawn. "I'm really hungry..."

Edward looked away, uncomfortably aware of the fact that his cheeks were heating up. "N-no, it's okay. You can eat it..."

A brilliant, angelic smile appeared on the girl's face, and Edward tried not to stare. "Really?" She cried happily, "Arigato!" The air seemed to shimmer in contentment as she sat down, popping a rice ball in her mouth. "Thank you so much! What is your name?"

Edward snapped back to attention after he became transfixed by the girl's beautiful wavy hair. "Call me Ed. Only my closest friends are allowed to call me Ed. Let's forget the fact that I have only known you for three seconds and that you just stole my food." He said, "What's yours?"

The girl smiled wider, and it was such a beautiful smile that Edward thought she must be an angel. "You're really nice, Edward-kun. My name is Celestia Silva D'loeur. I'm the White Guardian Angel Alchemist at 12 years old! Pleased to meet you!" She held out at hand, and Edward had a double take as he realized it was automail.

The Fullmetal Alchemist narrowed his eyes, but took the girl's hand. A nagging suspicion began to form in his mind. "White...wha?"

"White Guardian Angel Alchemist." The beautiful girl offered helpfully.

"Um, yeah. Why do you have a automail hand...?"

The girl smiled sadly, and Edward felt his heart suddenly accelerate unnaturally as he looked into her deep violet eyes. "My parents abused me and my brother when we were little. My brother always protected me, and he always took the brunt of the hits." Tears began to pool in her eyes. "I wanted my brother back; that's all. So I tried human transmutation, and I lost my arm. But that's okay, because I found an automail engineer who gave me a new arm. After a week, I was good-"

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And then a flower pot sailed through the air and hit the girl in the head.

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Wait, _what?_

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Pardon me, pardon me. Did that startle you? I'm sorry. But it's just how things go. Mind-Screw through and through.

Let's continue.

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And then a flower pot sailed through the air and hit the girl in the head as she was speaking mid-sentence.

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Oh, worried about Edward now, are you? No, don't worry. We do not enforce the killing of Canon characters. Mary-Sues, I mean OC's (OMG! I'm _so _sorry for the continuous incorrect choice of words, I swear it's not on purpose...), on the other hand...

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Moving on.

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And then a flower pot sailed through the air and hit the girl in the head as she was speaking mid-sentence. The girl gave a strangled yelp, and then collapsed. Not much later, a second flower pot came towards her and smashed into her head again, splintering into a cracked mess of dirt, ceramic, and plants. Edward blinked and carefully stepped backwards.

Without warning, the air began to glow around the broken flower pots, then swirling around the dead (? Oh, wait! Wrong word _again_. Because your precious precious _precious_ OC can't die, she's too special) girl. There was a few seconds of silence as Edward stared dumbfounded, and then a number appeared above the girl's head, glowing an unusual green color:

42.

Edward blinked again, trying to figure out the significance of the number. _42?_ Almost instantly, the answer popped to his head. _The answer to the secret of the universe, life and everything...! OF COURSE!  
><em>

"Yatta!" Came an uncomfortably cheerful cheer from his right. Edward turned to see a girl around his age, dark brown ponytails bobbing as she jumped up and down excitedly. And next to her - Edward rubbed his eyes, blinking to make sure he had seen correctly. Next to her was a pile of...?

The girl gave a delighted squeal and picked up a flower pot from the pile of flower pots next to her. "Kill it dead! Kill it dead! Kill it dead! Kill it dead!"

Edward blinked again as the new girl hefted the flower pot, gauged the distance, and hurled it at the Mary-Sue (I MEAN OC! FORGIVE ME!). "Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

Wasn't she being a bit too cheerful about this? Edward narrowed his eyes at the new girl, then turned back to the Mary-Sue (I MEAN - oh wait. I really totally _did _mean Mary-Sue...). Carefully, he sidled towards the girl with two pigtails. "Oi..." he said, poking the flower pot girl lightly on the shoulder. "What's going on? What are you doing?"

The dark brown haired girl turned to him, smiling. "I'm doing my job, of course. Don't worry about being so OOC back there. Mary-Sues always cause a terrible mess of OOC-ness wherever they go. But it's okay, Edward-san!" The girl hefted her flower pot, and Edward backed away warily. "I took care of her!"

The number above the Mary-Sue's head suddenly fizzled out. Soon after, the beautiful girl herself began to disappear as well, her body fading away until there was nothing left. The new girl nodded in satisfaction, observing the mess. "Mission accomplished~!"

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All of a sudden, a firm grip latched itself onto her shoulder. Edward's golden gaze was unflinching as he peered at the girl. "Tell me what's going on." He demanded. "Who the hell are you? Who was that person just now? Why did you kill her? What is this 'mission' you're talking about?"

The girl grinned delightedly, and pushed Edward's hand off of her shoulder. "My name is Aki." She said, placing her flower pots back into a giant sack one by one. "Employee working in the MSMD division of the C corporation. I'm somewhat of a police officer, if you want to think of it like that." Aki smiled, her light blue eyes staring evenly into Edward's. "I go around getting rid of a certain type of criminal." Her smile became slightly more predatory than normal, and Edward narrowed his eyes. "I've been assigned to this world for the time being, due to an odd increase in the number of criminals that must disappear."

Edward blinked. "Wha?" He said, obviously confused.

Aki sighed, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. "Well, I'm not really supposed to mess around with Canon characters, but if you're so curious, I'll tell you straight out." She grinned, picking up to last flower pot at her feet. "I hunt Mary-Sues."

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><p><strong>Yay! The slaughtering has begun :D<strong>

**I hate Mary-Sues with a vengeance ^^ Anyone here agree with me? Let's kill more of them next chapter...**

**Anyone who figures out what 'MSMD' means will get a cyber-cookie :D  
><strong>

**see you soon!**

**- Colorless Butterfly**


	2. Chapter 2

And the slaughter continues. Enjoy~! Take note that this is pure Mary-Sue bashing. I am not intentionally antagonizing any author's OC in any way. Just so I don't get screamed at o.o

-Colorless Butterfly

Disclaimer: (because I forgot to do this in the first chapter xD) I DON'T OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!

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><p><em>All of a sudden, a firm grip latched itself onto her shoulder. Edward's golden gaze was unflinching as he peered at the girl. "Tell me what's going on." He demanded. "Who the hell are you? Who was that person just now? Why did you kill her? What is this 'mission' you're talking about?"<em>

_The girl grinned delightedly, and pushed Edward's hand off of her shoulder. "My name is Aki." She said, placing her flower pots back into a giant sack one by one. "Employee working in the MSMD division of the C corporation. I'm somewhat of a police officer, if you want to think of it like that." Aki smiled, her light blue eyes staring evenly into Edward's. "I go around getting rid of a certain type of criminal." Her smile became slightly more predatory than normal, and Edward narrowed his eyes. "I've been assigned to this world for the time being, due to an odd increase in the number of criminals that must disappear."_

_Edward blinked. "Wha?" He said, obviously confused._

_Aki sighed, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. "Well, I'm not really supposed to mess around with Canon characters, but if you're so curious, I'll tell you straight out." She grinned, picking up to last flower pot at her feet. "I hunt Mary-Sues."_

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Edward blinked, as if not completely sure what the girl had just meant. "Mary...Sues?"

"Yup." Aki grinned, heaving the sack that contained her flower pots onto her shoulder. Now that Ed had recovered from his bout of OOC-ness, he studied the girl a bit further, this time with his characteristic scowl. The girl's hair was swept up in two brown pigtails that were secured tightly with some kind of elastic. She wore regular Amestrian clothing, as if she wasn't a police officer at all. Ed narrowed his eyes. There was _definitely _something suspicious about this girl.

"Anyway," Aki was saying, and Edward quickly snapped back to attention. "Mary Sues are derived from Original Characters, which are characters that don't belong in this world and instead are characters that have been inserted into the story. Some of the better ones stay low-level and can actually co-exist without troubling anyone, but there's a troubling amount that don't. Instead, they disrupt the balance of this world and take prominent roles, roles that turn them into perfect beings."

Edward gaped. "How are we supposed to get rid of a race of perfect beings?"

For a moment, it looked like Aki was going to say something, but she thought better of it, and quickly closed her mouth. "I'm afraid there's been a monstrous outbreak of Mary-Sues in this fanfiction category." She said, carefully side-stepping the question. "Normally, the best way to get rid of a Mary-Sue is to use the Mary Sue Litmus test. However, there's been a severe shortage of it lately, due to the gigantic amount of Mary-Sues that have suddenly migrated here. Mine is infused into my flower pots so they will kill on contact, but I don't have a way to find Mary Sues efficiently."

Edward was looking at the ground now, brow furrowed in deep concentration. _Mary Sue Litmus Test? This is getting more and more confusing. At least there's a weapon against those damned perfect people..._

Seeing that the Elric brother wasn't responding, Aki decided to walk over and flick him on the forehead.

"OW!" Edward cried at the sudden impact, and he clutched at his forehead, glaring at Aki with tears in his eyes. "What was that for?"

"Pay attention!" Aki replied crossly, pulling her sack of flower pots higher onto her back. "I need you to judge whether there are Mary-Sues in the area. Will you cooperate?"

"Judge...?" Edward asked hesitantly.

"Yeah," Aki said, "Judge. All you have to do is walk by people I think are suspects. The level of your OOC-ness will tell me if I should kill the Sue or let it survive."

Edward gaped. "You're telling me to subject myself to that- to that-" The revolting thoughts of getting OOC-ness repeatedly _ on purpose_ was almost too much. "-that humiliation again and again? Dream on." He snorted, and turned on his heel, deciding to walk away. "I'm not going to be some random lover for these Mary-Sues of yours! There's _no way_ that's ever going to happen. Deal with this problem on your own!"

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A flower pot whacked him in the head. _Ouch._ But don't worry, don't worry, we don't enforce the killing of Canon characters in this story. This is purely Mary-Sue murdering. Relax.

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Edward cursed, wincing as it shattered on impact. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt much at all. He turned to glare at Aki, irritated beyond belief. "Did you just throw that at me?" He demanded.

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Which, if you think about it logically, didn't make much sense. Who else would throw a flower pot at him? Oh no, Edward, it was the lady selling cookies halfway down the street. Or the musician strumming his guitar in hopes for some money. Or the sobbing red-haired girl who was walking past just this moment, crying her heart out and wailing to the skies and happened to be stunningly gorgeous-

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Edward gasped at the stunning beauty that walked by him, and immediately went down on one knee, pulled out a wedding ring that had been magically conjured out of nowhere, and professed his love for the crying girl.

"I love you!" He said, and the girl blushed a deep crimson.

"A-a-are you sure, Elric-sama?" She turned her head to the side shyly, but it only made her more gorgeous looking. "I-I'm nothing but a servant, Edward-sama." As if in response to her agony, the flowers burst into bloom around her and birds began to sing. Their treble notes sounded very much like the girl's voice, sweet and high. The sunlight shone down on her in a pillar, excluding everything else. It was the very picture of beauty. Edward Elric felt his heart beating so hard that he could hear it in his eardrums.

A cold hand laid itself on Edward's shoulder. "Who the hell is this?" Aki asked, frowning suspiciously. Edward blinked as if momentarily dispelled from his OOC-ness, and then looked from his kneeling position to the ring in his hand to the girl before him. A look of absolute mortification appeared on his face as he dropped the ring and scrambled away from the girl, shuffling as fast as he could without standing up. Aki narrowed her eyes. "Edward...?"

"My name is Hanna." The girl said, smiling angelically at Aki. "I serve Edward-sama at his mansion." Tinges of red blossomed on her cheeks. A quick glance at Edward, and Aki sighed again. The poor guy was back on his knees, gazing at the girl as if in rapture. "I'm but a servant. Edward-sama should marry someone of his own social status, someone more qualified than me. After all, I'm only furniture-"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!" Edward screamed unnaturally loudly, and rushed forward, cupping Hanna's face in his hands. "You're special to me, Hanna." He said tenderly, "And don't you ever say that you're furniture. I love-"

A giant flowerpot crashed into both of them, knocking them both over. Wordlessly, and yet quick as lightning, Aki dumped the contents of another flower pot over the girl's head. Her head started to boil over from all the acid in the pot. "Whoo," Aki let out a breath, poking at the redhead with a shard of broken flowerpot. "This one responded quite badly."

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Edward blinked, mind clearing after a few moments. Realization struck soon after.

With a moan, he rolled over, clutching his head. "Noooo..."

Aki patted his head sympathetically. "It's okay, Edward, it wasn't your fault. See? Cooperating with me is a lot easier. Even if you do refuse, you'll just end up contracting OOC-ness. Mary-Sues, well, they're a special problem." She winced. "And you...well, you're a prime target because of your popularity."

"Popularity with the women? I'm not a ladies man. That's Roy..." Edward's golden eyes widened, and he straightened immediately. Aki snatched her hand back to avoid getting hit. "Oi, what about them? If I'm a prime target, what about Roy? What about Alphonse? What about..." He hesitated, "What about Winry?"

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AHA! So he finally starts thinking about the love of his life. Sorry, all you OC shippers. Ed belongs together with Winry. Roy belongs together with Riza. Don't you _dare _try to mess that up.

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"Yeah." Aki sighed, "They're going to be affected, too. Winry, although male Mary-Sues aren't really created that often, will probably be subject to a lot of bashing. After all, when you're a prime target, the Mary-Sues will probably try to hurt or get rid of Winry so nothing blocks you and them..."

Edward stood up, a look of fierce determination in his eyes. "That's not going to happen." He announced, turning to Aki. "We'll get rid of this mess as soon as possible. Is there anyway I won't become OOC when coming near them?"

Aki scrutinized him, dark blue eyes unreadable. "Well," she considered, "I've already broken a lot of rules, so another won't hurt any." She walked over to the dead Mary-Sue and picked up a shard of broken flowerpot. Biting her lip, she handed it to Edward. "It's a lot easier to carry than a whole flower pot, and it only contains 1/2 of the Litmus Test's power, but it'll do for now."

Edward took it with a grin, a feeling of euphoria rushing through him as he tucked it away safely. "Those bitches are going to get one hell of a beating." He said, stretching out a hand towards Aki. "You ready?"

Aki grinned, shaking his hand with a smile. "Don't get cocky, Fullmetal. The bloodbath's just begun."

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><p>Two down, half a million to go. Yippee!<p>

Now Edward won't have to suffer being OOC. :D Sorry, but it kills me every single time I'm forced to write something as stupid as that x.x So there! Problem solved.

This Sue here was the Servant Sue. You know, the one where Edward's the master of the mansion and the Mary-Sue is his servant. The really really really cliche master/servant forbidden love thing. Sigh...

Look out for the introduction of some other characters in the next chapter! :3 I think I'll be doing the Winry-bashing Sue next. Either that, or the Eighth Homunculus Sue. Which one should I do? If there's any other Sues you can think of, by all means, either PM me or give me a review telling me which one you would like me to do ^^

-Colorless Butterfly


	3. Chapter 3

**Hahahaha, sorry for not updating in like a gajillion years. This story just isn't my focus right now...sorry! I do have some resemblance of a plot planned out, though, so if i ever do turn my full attention onto this...who knows?**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>"Yeah." Aki sighed, "They're going to be affected, too. Winry, although male Mary-Sues aren't really created that often, will probably be subject to a lot of bashing. After all, when you're a prime target, the Mary-Sues will probably try to hurt or get rid of Winry so nothing blocks you and them..."<em>

_Edward stood up, a look of fierce determination in his eyes. "That's not going to happen." He announced, turning to Aki. "We'll get rid of this mess as soon as possible. Is there anyway I won't become OOC when coming near them?"_

_Aki scrutinized him, dark blue eyes unreadable. "Well," she considered, "I've already broken a lot of rules, so another won't hurt any." She walked over to the dead Mary-Sue and picked up a shard of broken flowerpot. Biting her lip, she handed it to Edward. "It's a lot easier to carry than a whole flower pot, and it only contains 1/2 of the Litmus Test's power, but it'll do for now."_

_Edward took it with a grin, a feeling of euphoria rushing through him as he tucked it away safely. "Those bitches are going to get one hell of a beating." He said, stretching out a hand towards Aki. "You ready?"_

_Aki grinned, shaking his hand with a smile. "Don't get cocky, Fullmetal. The bloodbath's just begun."'_

_._

"Edward, what are you doing?" Aki glanced at the blonde-haired boy with increasing suspicion. "You're attracting attention..."

Said alchemist was currently sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, his gaze fixed unnaturally on a cafe across the street. People that walked by always turned around to take another look at the short-

.

OUUUCCCCCCHHHHHH...! Must remember to never use that word to describe Edward! Pain awaits those who invoke the wrath of the Fullmetal Alchemist! PAAIIIIIINNNNNN.

Ahem. Moving on.

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People that walked by always turned around to take another look at the...ahem...vertically challenged alchemist that was squatting dejectedly on the ground, seemingly a statue of metal.

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HAHAHAHA Alphonse reference! ...not really. I think the joke was lost here. But whatever.

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People that walked by always turned around to take another look at thevertically challenged, rather obstinate alchemist that was squatting dejectedly on the ground, seemingly a statue of metal. "Waiting." He replied, head propped up by his hands. "If he comes out, we kill the girl that he's with on sight, understand?"

"What in the world are you talking about?" Aki frowned. "Who's 'he'?"

"Roy Mustang, of course." Edward muttered. "The fucking bastard. We kill on sight."

"Who?" Aki asked, becoming more and more thoroughly confused. "Him? Or someone else?"

"Preferably both." The Fullmetal sighed, wrinkling his nose in distaste, then quickly thought better of it. "But that probably wouldn't be good, so just kill the girl that he's going out on a date with. If my intuitions correct, there's definitely going to be a Mary-Sue hanging around Roy."

"Ah, shit." Aki said, squatting down. "That's not good. What about Riza...?"

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For your information, I am a complete Royai shipper. DIE FOR YOUR SHIIIIPPPPPPP!

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"I don't know about Riza." Edward muttered, not moving from his spot.

"Well, then," Aki suggested, trying not to sound overly demanding, "Why not go in there and see if he's there...?"

Edward's jaw jumped, and his frown deepened further (if that was possible o.o'). "No one in their right mind would try to be in the same room as that...that...CREEP!"

Aki frowned. "Is that supposed to be a valid reason, or simply an excuse? Because, you know, Edward, if I hadn't given you that shard of my flower pot, I swear you're acting terribly out of character."

"You're right." Edward said, standing up reluctantly, "You're right, I'm going to face my fears and confront that womanizer and slam his head-"

"Slam who's head in, I wonder?"

Aki glanced up sharply, her eyes widening in horror. Edward whirled around, mouth dropping.

"I said," Roy Mustang said pleasantly, "Slam who's head in?"

Edward glancing pleadingly at Aki as he muttered something about chickens and plastic tupperware.

Abruptly, a wall of giant flames consumed the area around the three, concealing them within a burning hot dome of fire. The Colonel's face was masked in shadows as he stepped forward threateningly. "SLAM WHO'S HEAD IN?"

As if on cue, (or perhaps the will of a terrible, terrible writer) Edward fainted. Again, on cue (this time definitely the will of a terrible, terrible writer) ribbons of fire slammed into his body, charring him to a coal black.

"Shit!" Aki exclaimed, dropping her head into her hands as she sat down with a thump, "I totally forgot about Canon Sues!"

"Canon Sues?" The Flame Alchemist smiled charmingly as the wall of fire disappeared at his whim. "I have no idea what you're talking about, mademoiselle. Now, how would you like to have lunch with me? I have an excellent place already reserved. The food is exquisite." Now that his attributes had been mercilessly amplified into Sue territory, he looked like a Greek god that had descended from heaven. Every lock of hair was in the right place, his fashionable clothes fitted him attractively in all the right places, and his dazzling eyes smoldered like Edward Cullen.

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Um, whew! This author needs to take a breather. How the hell does a greek god descend from heaven?

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Even with her flowerpots close at hand, Aki felt herself blushing under Roy Mustang's intense Edward Cullen-like smolder.

**NONONONONONONO!** She reached for a flowerpot inside her bag, letting the anti-OOC vaccines naturally present in the Litmus Test begin to take effect and clear her head.

Aki forced a weak smile, and then glanced down at Edward's limp form. "He wouldn't be..._dead, _would he?"

"Dead? Most certainly. I killed him. But if it pleases you to have him revived..." Roy clapped his hands, a blazing dragon of fire appeared, circling around Edward, and smiled. "There. He will be returned to life soon."

Aki froze, her mouth dropping. "But- but- how-" she spluttered.

"Fire is _life, _dear. And therefore, I may control it as I please."

Her face was pale. Aki took out a flower pot, considered it for a while, and then overturned its contents on Edward's head. "So, what did you say about the cafe?"

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"So." Aki put on her most charming smile, but it would never be able to match up to the smile of the person sitting in front of her. Roy was smiling so charmingly that the air was sparkling, and people were turning to stare. Aki picked at her food. "Do you happen to...um, remember Riza? The nice lady from your -"

"Riza?" Roy Mustang cut in grandly, "Of course. Beautiful lady. What about her?"

"Isn't she...um, your..." Aki hesitated, and then continued anyway. "Isn't she your most trusted officer?"

"Of course." Roy replied, smiling. "Although, I wouldn't say _most _trusted. I'm Fuhrer, you know?" He winked, and the sparkles multiplied. "Can't always have her at my tail every moment of the day...what's wrong? You look pale."

Aki was, indeed, quite pale. Her voice was growing smaller by the second. "And...your eyes..."

"Are beautiful, aren't they?" Indeed, they were a brilliant shade of scarlet. Oh, the beautiful color of red! Of fire! Of passion! Of love! Oh, how handsome! Even though Roy Mustang does not have red eyes!

"Aren't you blind?"

Roy gave her a quizzical expression. "Blind? Of course not. Even after those hellish days when I fought against Truth and won, and then single-handedly crushed Father to death..." His handsome facial features changed into one of of brooding sorrow as he turned away, looking out the window. The sparkles vanished, replaced by melancholy music that came out of nowhere and echoed with loneliness and angst. "Although, sometimes I do wish I was blind, so I would not have to witness such terrible things that remind me of my terrible, terrible past..."

Aki ate a piece of lettuce. "Really."

"Yes!" He cried, turning around. Everyone in the cafe was now crying from the pure feeling of despair and sorrow they felt from this stunning man. "You see, I was forced to fight in the terrible Ishval War, were such terrible, terrible, terrible things happened. I was forced to kill so many, so, terribly many, and even now I can't get their..."

"terrible-"

"-yes, terrible, screams out of my head. Oh, how will I repent? Forgive me, forgive-"

\"Okay, we have some serious problems, here. Sorry." She gave up trying to eat the salad she had been picking up, and stood up. Her attempt at a smile was more of a grimace. "I need to make a call..."

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_"Subject 300. Distress call, level 3."_

_"From the Autumn group? Heavens." An irritated voice, distinctly feminine and yet unwaveringly professional. "Which fandom was Subject 300 assigned to, again?"_

_"[Searching...] The Fullmetal Alchemist fandom."_

_"Oh, that one." Disdain entered her voice. "What a bother. And what would the problem be?"_

_"[Searching...] Section 9, story number 3. Subject 381 needs assistance in getting rid of the sue, apparently." _

_"Really." There was a loud, tired sigh, and then the tapping of fingers on a keyboard. "Connect her to me, then. Quickly."_

_"[Connecting...]"  
><em>

.

Edward woke up to realize that he was choking.

Actually, he was simply choking on a pile of dirt and fertilizer, but he didn't particularly take notice. Panicked, he jumped up, scrambling free of the pile of dirt around him. "What the...?"

.

_"[...Connected.]"_

"This is Rena Hastuharu, assistant operator of the MSMD organization. How may I help-"

"Skip the niceties." Aki leaned against the wall of the women's bathroom, her face pale as she whispered angrily into the cellphone, "What the _hell_ am I supposed to do with a Canon Sue? Sue in question would be Roy Mustang. I can't kill him, he's Canon! Besides, he's totally forgotten how important Riza is to him, and he can fucking control _life_. How the _hell _do I fix that? Canon Sues are the sort that require a specialist, and I'm definitely not one."

There was a moment's hesitation before the person on the other end replied. "...Has anyone told you that you are quite terrible at your new job?"

"Of course." Aki muttered, "I've come in contact with a Canon character, given out part of my Litmus Test supply, and broke about ten other rules that I can't remember. But that is beside the point."

Rena's voice was irritated. "The rules are there for a reason. You know that."

"But how the _hell _do I get rid of a Canon Sue?"

"...do not let the Sue out of sight. I will dispatch a specialist to deal with the problem as soon as possible. Stay put, understand?"

Aki took a deep, deep breath. "Understood."


End file.
